Rest, Relax, and Abide: Finding Confidence and Courage on Retreat September 20, 2019 16:50

I'm not big on traveling. I like to travel occasionally, but I really have to be motivated, especially if it's a solo adventure. Crowded airports are stressful for me, and I'm not the greatest with directions, so I get turned around and lost very easily. 

Recently, I had an opportunity to attend a retreat and hear Her Eminence Jetsun Khandro Rinpoche teach at her Lotus Garden Retreat Center in Stanley, VA. I listen to her teachings and interviews online, and I have read her book, This Precious Life, so when I heard about this retreat, I was really motivated to go and hear her teach in person. The first step in dealing with any plan, obstacle, or challenge, is generating and maintaining the right motivation. Check!

Since the closest airport to Lotus Garden was two hours away, I decided the best option was to drive. I've taken shorter trips by myself before, but this was a ten-hour trip spanning four states. Needless to say, this was a big leap for me, and one well beyond my comfort zone.

After printing out directions, checking with my insurance to make sure I had roadside assistance, packing up the car, setting the GPS on my phone, I was ready to go. I even had a conversation with my teacher, Geshe Kunga, to let him know I was leaving. He was kind enough to give me an amulet to keep with me on my trip, instructed me to chant the Green Tara mantra, and said he would offer prayers of protection as well. Preparation and much-needed Support! Check and Check!

I chanted mantra the entire time I was on the road headed to Mindrolling Lotus Garden Retreat Center. Alternating between the 100-syllable Vajrasattva and the Green Tara mantra, I recited, in part, to help me stay focused, but more importantly, to manage my anxieties and fears of getting lost (which is ridiculously easy for me), breaking down, or getting run off the road by a runaway semi.

Chanting mantra helped me stay grounded, rooted in the present moment, and it added a welcome element of familiarity to a long journey full of change and unfamiliar landscapes. In short, mantra practice brought me safely to Lotus Garden.

It also served me throughout the retreat as well--from daily morning and evening prayers in the shrine room with the other retreatants to personal practice time in between teachings. I thoroughly enjoyed chanting quietly as I walked around the large lotus pond and along threadline paths that had gorgeous views of the Blue Ridge Mountains.

As the week progressed, I could sense my own confidence level increasing, as well as my ability to simply rest and be in the moment. One of my favorite meditation sessions was outdoors. Each retreatant (150 in all) was given a small tent to pitch along the grounds. Once our tents were ready, we were given a sack dinner, a chair, and instructions to meditate for three hours. The instructions were as follows: to simply relax, abide, and allow for the duration of the session.

Our session began in the late afternoon and ended in early evening. I pushed the chair out of my tent and lay on the ground in constructive rest pose. A somatic meditation approach was exactly what I needed to remain grounded and aware of everything shifting around me: 

patterns of light and shadow on the mountains

clouds drifting, gathering, and dispersing

a large spider busily spinning a web at the apex of of my tent

bird song shifting to chirping crickets

daylight easing into darkness

intermittent sneezes, coughs, the rustling of sandwich wrappers

and eventually, the sound of tent zippers, shoes on stiff grass and gravel as we made our way back to our rooms by flashlight

Over the course of the week, I noticed that my confidence and courage had increased dramatically, and my tendency to worry had diminished. Rinpoche's teachings surpassed my expectations. She was incredibly detailed, clear, and insightful. I enjoyed connecting with other practitioners as well. Even though the Mindrolling lineage was new to me, we had more commonalities than differences. I also enjoyed being able to take the time to improve my own practice in a fresh, unfamiliar environment.

I enjoyed my stay, and by the end of the week, I was eager to make my way home. Cell phone service was very spotty in this isolated area, so I had to rely on my printed instructions to lead me back to the highway. Ordinarily, this would be a cause for major concern, but I had the motivation, confidence, curiosity, and courage to find my way without worry or unnecessary anxiety (and I didn't get lost).

I also enjoyed the trip home, more confident in my independence and in my ability to navigate change: to rest--to relax--and to abide in this journey, and in all future adventures to come.

Business Perks of Rearranging, Purging, and Letting Go July 22, 2019 13:49

I have not read Marie Kondo's book; however, my life changed for the better when I overhauled my home office. 

It started at the ground level...literally. We've lived in our home for over twenty years, and the carpet in my office had lived there longer than that. It was time...overtime, really...for a change. I knew how much work it would take just to clear everything out of the room, but I couldn't stand the clutter anymore. It was truly hindering my motivation, efficiency, and business. I called Brothers Floor Covering in Indianapolis to come out and measure the space. They had installed beautiful flooring in our kitchen, living room, and upstairs rooms in the past, and they do great work. I had two weeks to prepare for this transformation, and I needed every minute.

I started with the closet, which was crammed full of photos, three-ring binders full of old lesson plans, grade books, yearbooks, self-help books on tape...cassette tapes, no less...journals, rolled-up posters, and random miscellany that was taking up valuable space.

It was overwhelming at first, but once I started to pick through the detritus of my past, things started to shift.

I recycled all of the old papers and lesson plans that I kept in the binders and donated two boxes full of books and tapes to Half Price Books. 

As soon as I cleaned off the top shelf of the closet, a friend of mine called me out of the blue and offered to give me a free twenty-minute consultation to help me market my business more effectively. Suuhhhweeeettt!

When I slowly transferred all of the books that "sparked joy" into the living room and dragged the bookcases down the hall with the help of my husband and a beach towel, I received an email from an event organizer inviting me to be a vendor at an upcoming United Way event to celebrate women entrepreneurs. Yes, thank you!

When I organized boxes of photos, poems, and journals, I sold nine malas at the Summer Solstice event, Monumental Yoga, in downtown Indianapolis. Woot! Woot!

Edgar arrived from Brothers Floor Covering two weeks after my phone call and single handedly transformed my office floor in just a few hours. He rolled away the old carpet that always smelled faintly (and sometimes not so faintly) of puppy pee no matter how often I cleaned it, and replaced it with beautiful COREtec flooring. 

When I rearranged the book cases and hung framed photos and prints on different hooks and walls, a client who had previously been dragging her feet, finally purchased the custom mala design she had commissioned me to make for her (and that I had completed the previous month). Halleluiah!

When I organized all of the books by topic, size, and subject matter, dusted souvenirs and knick knacks that had been hiding in the closet, placing them all with intention and care on shelves, a new client purchased two malas from the online shop. Yasss!

When I swept and mopped the new floor and replaced the bulky office chair on wheels with a smaller chair on casters specifically designed to promote active sitting (QOR 360), I discovered a free online summit specifically intended for sacred business owners and entrepreneurs in holistic wellness fields. Na.Ma.Ste!

From start to finish, this transformation took a full month to complete, but it was totally worth the effort and time. I now have a space where I can work and move about freely. I even have enough floor space that I can practice Feldenkrais lessons in my office when I need to take breaks. 

Rearranging, purging, and letting go of what I no longer need has helped me create a beautiful space for what matters NOW. Business has picked up (just had a request for a custom design while I'm writing this blog post), and I look forward to working in my office.

 Hmmm...I wonder what would happen if I tackled the hall closet :) ?

Personal and Public Practice: Striking a Balance June 14, 2019 12:27

I love my personal practices (meditation, mantra recitations, somatic movement), but I also enjoy sharing a common space with other practitioners, too.

Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, ideally, a healthy spiritual practice requires a blend of both private and group settings in order to foster personal growth and social connections. 

Benefits of Personal Practice

Privacy and Agency: 

I begin each morning with a sadhana practice that my teacher gave to me. I sit in bed in my jammies while my dog and cat sleep on either side of me, and I recite, chant, and visualize the practice in the privacy of my own home. 

If I'm at school, and I have a few minutes between student tutoring sessions, I'll walk around the track and chant mantra. Adding movement to a japa practice with a little fresh air and sunshine is a great way to boost my energy and stay focused and sharp for my students. 

I also like to chant if I'm in the car alone on a long commute. It helps me to stay focused while I'm driving, and it's also a great way to ward off stress and anxiety during rush hour.

In the evenings, I sit on a cushion near my altar space to meditate. I'll light a candle or a stick of incense and practice for an hour. If I'm tired, sometimes I'll practice lying down on the floor. I have options--and I've learned the importance of being gentle with myself and taking care of myself as I practice.

Recently, I've discovered some wonderful Feldenkrais lessons online. I love ending each day with a movement lesson. I'm on a circular green mat in my living room. The lights are dim--the TV is on mute, if it's on at all, and it's just me, myself, and the movement practice.

Having the space and time to deepen and explore my own practices on my own terms and in my own way is nourishing and delicious to my spirit. I absolutely need the privacy and the time to practice every day in order to function properly.

Benefits of Public Practice

Connection and Support: 

 There's something really beautiful about sharing the practice and the space with other meditators or movers, too, however. In the last year, I have attended three, week-long retreats at a meditation center in Colorado.  Meditating in a large  group is very different from a session in the home space. Not only are you sharing a common physical space, and typically you're sitting very close to one another, but you're also holding space for each other in a communal practice setting. In this environment, you pick up on the subtle energies of the location and on the other practitioners around you.

The last time I was in Crestone, I kept getting images of eyes--close-up, huge, luminous eyes--of horses, of people, of cartoonish animated characters--big eyes everywhere! I'm not sure whose energy I was tapping into, but I was accessing unusual images and cultivating opportunities to sit with these differences in a non-judgmental way. It was interesting...and challenging.

Practicing in a group also lends itself to learning new ideas and strategies, too. I saw so many creative prop arrangements for seated meditation when I shared the space with 100 other meditators.

I recently started attending somatic movement classes. It's been nearly two years since I practiced in a group setting. I used to practice and teach yoga at a local studio, but I've since become a "reformed yogi" and prefer Feldenkrais lessons and other alternative movement modalities. I've missed the camraderie and friendship that practicing in a group environment can bring, and I'm so glad that I've found a local somatic group that I can practice with and feel safe. They are warm-hearted, friendly, and accepting. Having the courage to step out into a group space again has been a little unsettling, but it's important to nudge yourself beyond the boundaries of your comfort zone every once in a while. 

Practicing with a group is great, if the group dynamics are supportive and healthy. It took me some time to heal and deepen my own personal practices before I was ready to join another group, but I'm really glad I did. That supportive connection with others is so important.  

The closest I've come to chanting in a group setting is when I've attended an occasional kirtan event. Chanting and singing Sanskrit mantra with musicians in a group setting is a blast! It's an uplifting way to connect with others and clear away the energetic cobwebs. No one leaves a kirtan event depressed or angry.

I've also attended pujas and ceremonies at TMBCC in Bloomington where Tibetan monks have chanted prayers, sometimes for hours at a time. The energy of the temple is transformed when a group of a dozen or so monks are chanting. It is an energetically moving and powerful experience.

Introverts will gravitate to their own personal practices, and extroverts will undoubtedly be drawn to the public ones, but it's important for everyone to engage in both personal and public practices in order to benefit themselves and share these rewards with others.

For more information, or to view the online mala collection, visit www.middlemoonmalas.com. 

Making Your Personal Practice Personal with a Custom Mala Design May 10, 2019 15:34

I love it when customers contact me to create a custom design; it's one of my favorite things to do. I usually dive in right away, losing track of time as I sort through bead options and carefully arranging them on the tray that my husband  made for me (a large, rectangular tray made from aluminum sheet metal that contains 108 center-punched divots for the beads to rest in comfortably).

I've mentioned on previous Facebook posts and in conversations with people that I create custom designs, so for this blog post, I'd like to explain the process in more detail, in case you'd like a custom mala design for yourself, or you might know someone who would appreciate their own personalized mala design.

After all, it's your mala, and you have agency in every step of the process.

Step 1: Reach Out

Send me a message on the Middle Moon Malas Facebook page or through the Contact Us page here on the online shop and let me know that you're interested in a custom design.

Step 2: The Consultation

We can either chat by phone, email, text, or FB Messenger to discuss your design. Some people know what specific gemstones they'd like in their design (Picture Jasper, Goldstone, Aquamarine); others may not know the names of the stones, but they have specific color preferences (blue, green, earth tones); others are more interested in the significance of the gemstones since they'd like a design that aligns with a specific, personal intention (connection to earth, grounding properties, creativity, abundance, healing energies, etc). We also discuss bead size. Some prefer 8mm beads; others, 6mm; and some like a combination of 8 and 6mm beads. Some like counter beads in their designs (extra beads that function as resting points in a japa practice). Others just want 108 beads, which is fine, too. This initial communication is so important. Once I understand what your preferences and intentions are, I can begin to do a little research and offer specific bead options. When you're happy with those bead options, I create a layout design and send you a photo.

Step 3: You Choose Your Guru (and Sutra/Tassel Color) 

When you're happy with your mala layout design, I will share photos of potential guru options and sutra/tassel colors to choose from.  The guru is the "teacher" bead (sometimes called meru, or "mountain" bead), and since this will be a knotted mala, the sutra color is important since it connects and brings together the design, and a tassel of the same color will spill from the base of the guru or meru bead that you choose.

Step 4: The Finished Design

As soon as you decide on your guru and sutra color, the fun begins, and I can start stringing your custom mala. Most malas require two or three days to knot, string, and tassel. When your design is complete, I will share a photo of your completed design with you before making arrangements for payment and delivery.

 All Middle Moon Malas are unique designs. The malas available on the online shop are one-of-a-kind creations. However, with a custom design, you have a say in every aspect of the mala-creating process. It's your mala; it's your practice. Make your personal meditation, japa, or yoga practices even more personal with a custom Middle Moon Malas design.   

 (PS--if you like this particular design, it is available on the online shop--it's the Cuprite, Blue Goldstone, and Picture Jasper Mala)

Why Are You Chanting, Seriously? April 7, 2019 20:36



I spend an hour every day chanting mantra. I begin my day by practicing a short sadhana and use a quarter mala to mark the twenty-seven recitations in the morning. Then, later in the day, usually in the afternoon or early evening, I chant using a full mala (108 beads).

WHY? There are so many other things that I could do with this hour every day. I could watch something on Netflix or YouTube. I could sleep in for an extra hour, or take a nap in the afternoon. I could feed my brain with information and read a compelling article or blog. I could take a long walk. I could declutter and organize my kitchen cabinets or volunteer at an animal shelter or soup kitchen. Why would I choose to spend this time chanting Sanskrit mantra?

These are reasonable questions. For the last five years I have practiced japa on the daily, and given the choices listed above, I’d rather continue to invest the time practicing mantra recitations, and here’s why…

• “Mantra’s nature is to protect the mind from negativity.” Ven. Lozang Yӧnten

Unsupervised, I am prone to worry and restless anxiety. Driving, for example, can be a trigger for me. If traffic is heavy, or delayed by construction, if I’m concerned about being late, or if an unexpected warning light suddenly appears on my dash board, I can go from focused and alert to tense and frazzled in .02 seconds.

When these unexpected surprises occur, I find that reaching for the clicker counter that I keep in the closest cup holder and chanting while I’m on the road helps to keep me calm, relaxed, and focused, and it also prevents me from spinning out into a vortex of nervous loops of spazziness. Chanting keeps me grounded, present in the here and now, and prevents the infinite “what if” scenarios from taking over—it keeps me moving forward, even if I’m at a standstill in traffic.

• “By practicing mantra, we can drive our awareness deeper into the bones, muscles and tissues of the body to gain a greater sensitivity and understanding of our makeup and amplify the emotional energies latent within, much like the potential energy present in mountains that then becomes kinetic in the form of an avalanche when the earth quakes.” Gabriel Axel (“Your Brain on Om: The Science of Mantra, U.S. News and World Report , 2 Oct 2013)

In other words, a mantra practice can recalibrate the body and the mind, motivating us to reflect and improve.  Managing transitions is not one of my strong suits. When I come home from work, for example, I’m energetically exhausted and disoriented. I’ve entered that awkward bardo state between busyness and rest, from structured time to unstructured time, and japa practice can act as a helpful buffer.  When I sit on my cushion for formal practice, chanting mantra helps me navigate the change of environment and gives me permission to let go of the need to accomplish tasks. If I chant soon after coming home from school, I’m less likely to either go into Type A taskmaster mode (doing laundry, dishes, making dinner, or creating more items on the “to do” list) or self-soothing by taking refuge in junk food.

Sitting for thirty to forty minutes in the afternoon gives me an opportunity to process the events of the day, to relax, release, and ease into my evening. I feel more present and embodied. 

However, if I wait too late in the evening to practice, I grow tired and impatient, and my mind is too fuzzy or groggy to benefit from the practice. Late afternoon to early evening is ideal for me—it creates a smooth transition from Do-Do-Do to Be-Be-Be.

• “By allowing the mind to be permeated with compassion, you become one who upholds the integrity and purity of the practice. This, itself, is the key to liberating all sentient beings.”                                                                                                                       H.E. Jetsün Khandro Rinpoche

 This chanting practice is not just about me, and it doesn’t simply benefit myself. It can help others, too. The sadhana and mantra that I work with are part of a specific purification practice. Through it, I resolve to relinquish negative habits of mind and tendencies that harm myself and others.  I acknowledge, regret, and affirm not to continue these thoughts, actions, or habits that have the potential to cause harm (i.e. judging others harshly, being snippy or snarky with people when I’m impatient, spending money on things I don’t need, laziness, arrogance, etc.). There’s a visualization component to this practice—and mantra recitation is at the heart of this practice as well.  By actively and consciously acknowledging these habits and traits—and taking steps to cease, desist, and purify them, I am not only improving my own life, but making the world more tolerable for people who happen to be around me.

Outside of the purification practice, sometimes I will dedicate a round of mantra recitations to someone who is suffering (friend or stranger), or to a challenging situation or conflict (local or global). Chanting in this context becomes an offering and an act of compassion for others, and there’s never a shortage of subject matter since suffering and turmoil are ubiquitous.  The mantra can be short and sweet—it doesn’t have to be complicated to be effective. Om Mani Padme Hum is just one example.  What matters most is the intention behind the chanting practice, and the genuine focus and attention to the practice.

While watching Netflix or scrolling through Facebook may provide mindless entertainment and endless opportunities for distraction, mantra practice can actually improve focus, keep the monsters of attachment at bay, and help foster genuine compassion for others.

This Is a Test...of Your Meditation Practice...This Is Only a Test February 20, 2019 18:24

My practice said, “Bring it!”

The universe said, “OK!”

I recently completed a five-month meditation program in Crestone, Colorado, that included daily somatic meditation sessions, readings, lectures, monthly group calls, individual check-in calls, and two, week-long silent retreats, one at the beginning, and one at the end of the program. In addition to all of this, I also included daily personal practices: a sadhana and japa recitations. So, I’ve been doing a lot of meditating over the course of the last few months, and I’ve noticed an interesting trend…I am attracting all kinds of irritable, defensive, and angry people along with a few tumultuous situations as added bonus features.

What’s interesting…and new for me…I’m not freaking out about these cranky peeps and problems. In fact, I’m leaning in to welcome them…and to learn from them.

During these last few months, I’ve noticed that I’m more inclined to remain calm and steady, and I’m not taking the agitated behaviors or the unexpected surprises so personally.  These practices have helped me navigate my way safely into the “eye of the storm.” I may be surrounded by upheaval and drama, but I am no longer contributing to it or participating in it.

 I’m also not running away from it, which is new for me, too. I’m holding space and finding equanimity, and I credit these daily practices for helping me to remain calm and to generate compassion for these challenging people and circumstances.

Example:

I recently shared an interesting article that I read on a social media platform. It was about meditation—how important it is to choose your words carefully when cueing if you are leading a meditation session in a yoga class environment, particularly if students who are prone to anxiety are present in the class. This article was a personal narrative from the author’s blog. I thought she had some valid points and an interesting perspective, so I shared it.

A few minutes later, a Buddhist friend of mine wrote seething criticism about the article and questioned the author’s credibility as a meditation teacher. Clearly, he held a different view and interpretation of this article, which is fine, and as we exchanged comments, his language choice became increasingly more judgmental, agitated, and angry. The author did not write her blog from a Buddhist perspective, and she hadn’t trained in a specific lineage, so to my friend, this was not only appalling, but inappropriate. To him, only meditation teachers who trained with Buddhist masters for decades could be qualified to lead meditation sessions, even those occurring in local yoga studios. Ultimately, my friend commented that defending this author was deplorable, and before I could respond, he unfriended me.

The old me wouldn’t have engaged in an online debate to begin with. I would have been too timid to express my own views and explain why I found the article interesting and relevant. The old me would have complimented my friend’s vast knowledge of Buddhist wisdom (overlooking his obvious attachment and arrogance, of course) and apologized for posting the article in the first place. The old me would have immediately deleted the article from my timeline.

This time, however, I didn’t evade, avoid, apologize, flatter, or delete. Instead, using calm, respectful language, I defended my viewpoint. I remained open-minded and open-hearted as our written conversation progressed. I wasn’t participating in an argument—I was communicating in a clear, honest way. I wasn’t ashamed, angry, agitated, or scared. Instead, I felt relaxed, steady, and open. I also felt compassion for my friend, who was clearly growing more agitated as the conversation continued, but I didn’t take his reactions personally, and I also didn’t push my viewpoint or claim it was more valid than his. I did, however, feel sad that he ended the conversation abruptly and severed our social media connection.  I would have gladly recommended that he look into the meditation program at Crestone  :).   

Benefits:

Granted, I still have a lot of work to do (Don’t we all?), but it’s promising to see the positive benefits of a steady meditation practice both on and off the cushion. These are just a few that I’ve noticed from my own practice:

• I’m less judgmental and critical of others
• I don’t lead with my expectations (or ego) as often
• I’m more relaxed
• I’m more open-minded and receptive
• I’m more courageous and confident
• I speak up more
• I’m tactfully honest (or, at least aspire to be)
• I’m more accepting
• I’m more present

I've completed a retreat program, but I'm not planning to stop practicing anytime soon. These benefits will continue to motivate and encourage me to embrace whatever surprises may come my way... and to grow from them.

Surviving Abuse and Staying Grounded with Mantra, Movement, and Meditation January 12, 2019 10:15

2018 was a year of reflection for me. 2019 will be about speaking up, reclaiming my own power, and healing.  I taught yoga at a local studio in Greenwood for a few years. I came to the studio while I was taking a sabbatical from a high school teaching career. I enjoyed yoga and figured this would be a great time to take a 200-hour YTT training. It’s hard to spot toxicity and deception when you’re practicing something that’s supposed to be good for you and that makes you feel good. However, there were definitely some red flags at this studio.  It took me a while to see them, and even longer to act on them, but having a solid network of support and a grounded personal practice that included mantra, movement, and meditation was crucial for me to heal and move forward.

Things started out normal enough. I had taken a variety of classes and enjoyed them before eventually paying $3K for the YTT program. As the trainings and classes progressed, though, I started to notice some disturbing patterns.  Sometimes, and for no discernible reason, there would be a heavy, thick tension in the studio space. The studio owner would be aloof and moody on occasion, and then more frequently, and for longer stretches of time. She angered easily, she was easily triggered, and she often threw her then business partner under the bus at the slightest sign of drama or conflict. I assumed these were flukes—simply occasional private issues on the business end that were leaking into the public studio space. No worries, right???

However, as time passed, secrets, half-truths, miscommunications, and, at times, a total lack of communication became more prevalent and pervasive. I was slated to complete my training in early fall 2013, but the business owner ran off to Vegas for several weeks. All modules and YTT trainings ceased, and her business partner was left to run the studio alone. Students and clients had lots of questions, and understandably so—they wanted to know where she went—and when she was to return—and why she left so suddenly. These were all reasonable concerns (I was concerned she was gambling away our YTT cash!). Her business partner's response? She went to Vegas to have dental work done—and he wasn’t sure when she was coming back.  Uh-oh—serious doubts were beginning to germinate!

The good news is, I did eventually graduate from their YTT program, albeit several months after when I had anticipated. Apparently, Vegas has very meticulous dentists! She and her partner are very knowledgeable about yoga; that's what made their program so appealing--but knowledge alone doesn't make an effective teacher. Ethics matters--how you treat people matters.

I was asked to teach a Yin class at the studio later that spring. I enjoyed practicing Yin, and I had also taken additional training with Bernie Clark in Vancouver, which I enjoyed immensely. I enjoyed teaching Yin as well. I loved working with my students. I enjoyed creating sequences and providing modifications or alternative poses for them to explore in order to discover what was right for their own bodies. I also went to Kripalu for specialized training in Prenatal Yoga, and I taught a prenatal class at the studio as well. I also picked up an all-levels class during the day. I spent a lot of time at the studio—either taking or teaching classes. 

While I focused my attention on my students and on improving my own practice, the red flags were still present, and they were multiplying. 

Now that I was on the studio’s payroll, I felt like I was walking on egg shells. I never knew what mood the business owner would be in, and I never knew what would set her off. She could be very domineering and manipulative in and outside of her classes. She would befriend a select few of her students—she'd laugh, talk, and even socialize outside of class with these favorites. She'd compliment them, brag about them in class, let them in on secret jokes,  but then she’d ignore others, and she would be quite cruel and emotionally abusive to those she deemed weak or fragile. She could be unnecessarily harsh at times, a cruel and manipulative bully. I was never one of her favorites, but she didn't unload her wrath on me, either. She was occasionally snappy, rude, and judgmental with me. I was just a collateral nuisance.

In September of 2016, I stopped attending her classes. I reached the point where I couldn’t listen to her voice without feeling angry. It was disrupting my own practice. I continued to teach at the studio, however. I had hoped that avoiding her classes would create enough of a distance. I would focus on my own students and my own practice. This worked for a while…sort of.

She was never a transparent communicator to begin with—very mysterious and  aloof. Because I didn’t see her in the studio as regularly, the communications I did receive were either urgent, demanding emails (about things that weren't urgent at all) or passive-aggressive Post-it notes left on the desk, stereo, thermostat, or bathroom door. Her lack of professionalism was staggering.

Her business partner had departed by this point, and she continued to host YTT immersions on her own. I was fortunate to have been in a training that spanned up to two years to complete. At this point, however, she was hosting more frequent intensives that ran only three-months long, which is not nearly enough time to integrate the material necessary to be an effective yoga teacher. I wasn’t on the receiving end of the emotional abuse and unnecessary drama that she was inflicting on these YTT students, but many of them were, and they were coming to me to vent and share their concerns.

At this time, I was taking a meditation teacher training program at another yoga studio in the area. I was thoroughly enjoying the daily meditation practices. When I took occasional trainings and workshops at other studios, the studio owners and students were so genuine, warm, caring, and professional. The contrast was alarming when I compared it to where I was teaching. At this time, I had also discovered Reggie Ray’s The Awakening Body and was practicing somatic meditations daily as well. This, along with my japa practice and home yoga practice were keeping me rooted, grounded, and sane.

I stayed at this studio because I enjoyed the practice.

I stayed at this studio because I enjoyed teaching yoga.

I stayed at this studio because I enjoyed working with my students.

I stayed too long…

Even though I had stopped taking her classes, I did not feel right about teaching in such a toxic studio environment, and I didn’t feel right working for someone who I did not respect. I continued to hear from her students about her outbursts of rudeness and cruelty, and I didn't know what to do about it. I don't think others did, either--they just left and didn't return--and a lot of people left. She blamed it on "the space." Said it determined who stayed and who didn't. Looking back, that's just nuts!

Hindsight can be quite painful, and in hindsight, I knew that by continuing to teach in her studio, I was guilty, too, guilty of willful blindness and complicity to this abuse, even though I was an occasional victim myself.  Even though I didn’t participate in the abuse itself, I was a bystander, and I didn't speak up, and that was not acceptable.

Ironically, though, I don't think a lot of the students who took weekly classes there were even aware that this was going on. It was so subtle--or behind the scenes. Maybe they caught a glimpse--a snatch of her moodiness--a sliver of tension. It wasn't blatant enough or direct enough to catch their collective attention, however. If it did, they ignored it, too.

Late in the fall of 2017, when I found out about a somatic meditation retreat program in Crestone, CO, I decided to leave the yoga studio.

I had been mired in and teaching in a dark, toxic environment, and I had found something nourishing and positive to lead me away. But, I didn’t leave without help. I found Diane Bruni’s Facebook group to be extremely helpful. It was here that I was introduced to alternative movement modalities to supplement the gaps that yoga doesn’t fill for me. I also discovered Matthew Remski’s research and writings about cult dynamics. His research proved  to be a life raft for me. He has a book coming out in March of this year that I can’t wait to read (Practice and All Is Coming: Abuse, Cult Dynamics, and Healing in Yoga and Beyond). I also found Rachel Bernstein’s work to be extremely helpful as well. She’s a licensed therapist who has twenty years of experience working with cult survivors. Her podcast, IndoctriNation, is an excellent resource. I’ve recently started to work with a holistic chiropractor in Franklin. Dr. Amanda Meyers is excellent, and she is helping me to address and heal the physical symptoms that have manifested in my own body as a result of this traumatic experience.

Since leaving the studio, I no longer teach yoga publicly. Instead, I have spent the year focusing on my business and my own mantra, movement, and meditation practices at home. These practices have been healing for me, and they have restored my own sense of integrity and authenticity.  I’ve also found a source of comfort and support at TMBCC, a Buddhist center in Bloomington, and I continue to surround myself with kind-hearted, positive, genuine people.

 What have I learned from all of this?

• Be very, very careful about choosing a teacher (yoga, meditation, dharma, etc.). While it’s important that he/she is knowledgeable, knowledge alone is not enough—being professional, having integrity, compassion, empathy, and ethics are essential, too.
• Listen to your intuition and your body (if I had listened to the soft whispers of intuitive wisdom and the nagging aches and pains sooner, I would have moved on sooner, or responded differently!)
• Cultivate and maintain a personal practice that suits you in order to nourish yourself. I hope that while I was teaching at this studio, I was able to make a positive impact on the students I served. They mattered to me, and I stayed as long as I did because of them.
• Speak up! Bullies, narcissists, and leaders of high need groups require passive bystanders in order to get away with spewing their hateful cruelty and crazy talk. I wish I'd had the courage to speak up in the studio--to look her right in the eye and say, "Enough! That's inappropriate! Stop it!"

I'm speaking up now--better late than never.

Knowing When It's Time to Move on... November 23, 2018 17:46

Navigating Change: The Benefits of Boundaries and Japa August 22, 2018 11:23

 Just as the pericardium is a natural boundary that protects and stabilizes the heart in the human body, a regular japa practice can offer stability for practitioners, and it can also reinforce the importance of establishing healthy boundaries in life.

On a mala, the knots represent the challenges or obstacles, and the beads represent the beautiful aspects or treasures of life. On some level, the mala itself is a metaphorical boundary, and the japa practice symbolizes the importance of setting healthy boundaries. The beads and knots are bound together, sharing space on a single cord or sutra. If boundaries are too tight and rigid, they are confining and stifling—the beads crack and break under the pressure. If the boundaries are too loose, or porous, the beads slip, or worse, the cord snaps and beads scatter. Either way, the practitioner loses touch with the benefits of the practice if his/her boundaries are out of whack.

 “Our boundaries are the truest measure of how we love ourselves.”  Wendy Strgar

My life was significantly more tumultuous and stressful before I practiced meditation.  When I was in my twenties, long before I discovered japa, meditation, and movement practices, I taught English at a very large high school in Indianapolis. In the beginning, the job, while rewarding, was also demanding, stressful, and at times, overwhelming.  As time passed, the expectations, demands, and responsibilities steadily increased. I was dedicating more and more of my time and effort to my students, and less and less to myself and to my family. By the time I was in my mid-forties, I was physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and had reached the point of burnout.  I had been giving too much, and I wasn’t honoring my own boundaries. I knew that if something didn’t change, I was dangerously close to manifesting a serious illness.

“Setting a boundary is equivalent to letting go of the outcome in any situation.”     Martha Beck

In 2007, I had an opportunity to teach at a much smaller, dual-credit high school in the same district. I gratefully accepted this new position, and I also made a promise to myself (setting a boundary): if I started to feel the slightest twinge of burnout, that ache of overdoing and over striving, I wouldn’t hesitate to make a career change. I had options. I could serve in another capacity, and that would be OK. I wasn’t practicing meditation or japa yet, but I was learning to honor my own boundaries. I was listening to my heart, and, as a result, I started to find balance in my life and enjoyed teaching again.

“To thine own boundary-defined self be true.” William Shakespeare (with a slight addition)

The leap occurred six years later. At this time, in addition to a full-time teaching gig, I was practicing yoga regularly, and I was also beginning to explore meditation and japa. I’m not sure if my personal practices were the catalysts for change, or if I was simply honoring a boundary and promise that I had made six years prior. Those old feelings of fatigue, stress, and overwhelm started to resurface, so I quit teaching full-time, started tutoring part-time, and I also taught a few yoga classes at a local studio.

“When you can be a loving presence for yourself, you will draw more love into your life.”     Martha Beck

What I discovered through these practices was the importance of listening to my own heart and establishing clear personal boundaries. Coming to this practice allowed me to come back to myself.  My japa practice has been a steady, reliable constant, a trustworthy friend, which allowed me to shift and move gracefully though life’s inevitable changes.

 I’ve noticed that my life is changing more rapidly now, but I’m not daunted or overwhelmed by these changes. On the contrary, I look forward to future opportunities, and I’m less prone to endure and tolerate situations and circumstances that are not a good fit for me. I’m finding that I’m able to recognize and release toxic people, places, and situations much more quickly than I used to. I’m also discovering new practices that complement and enhance what I’m already doing. For example, I’ve recently moved beyond teaching yoga in a public studio. I’m finding that incorporating somatic meditation and alternative movement modalities in a private setting is much more satisfying and authentic to me.

One of the unexpected side effects of a consistent, daily japa practice is it has helped me learn to establish and honor my own personal boundaries.  As a result, I continue to listen to my heart and enjoy the heart of my practices…and my life.

The Heart of the Practice May 16, 2018 15:02

I had some time to myself on Sunday in the early afternoon, so I decided to work on creating a mala...for myself, which is a rarity.  I have recently been working with a supplemental mantra in my practice honoring Kurukulla, the semi-peaceful, semi-wrathful goddess of unconditional love, passion, and transformation of consciousness.  Kurukulla is a dakini, an embodiment of ultimate wisdom who turns raw, negative emotions into pure awareness. Blazing red skin, four arms (two of which are holding a bow made of flowers), and three eyes, she is fiercely protective, magnetizing, and powerful.  

I laid out a design with Dragon Blood Jasper and Hessionite Garnet beads and strung the mala with a deep wine-colored sutra and matching tassel. I finished the design before my daughter came over to celebrate Mother’s Day with me, so I posted a quick photo of the mala on my Facebook page.

A few hours later, a friend had responded, indicating that the mala spoke to her, and she was interested in purchasing it. I had created the design with an open heart, and even as I was stringing the beads on the sutra, I was chanting Kurukulla’s mantra (Oṁ Kurukulle Hrīḥ Svāhā), invoking her wisdom as I worked.

A regular meditation practice often brings unexpected opportunities to the surface. One event leads to the next, like beads on a string. I thoroughly enjoyed creating this mala and savored the opportunity to practice japa while stringing it. I was equally joyful about adding it to the MMM online shop so my friend could purchase it. I knew she would appreciate it, and she even purchased a second mala for a friend.

Ironically, this was not the only unexpected opportunity that I would experience on this day. After finalizing the transaction and finishing the online conversation with my friend, my computer crashed.  Most of my photos and documents….gone! This unexpected opportunity was a bit more challenging to navigate. Kurukulla was definitely messing with me…on Mother’s Day, no less!

After a day or two of trial-and-error problem-solving, consulting a tech-savvy friend, and a trip to Best Buy, I realized that my hard drive had stopped—and came to accept, reluctantly, that the heart of my computer was dead.

My sitting practices during these two days were discursive and distracted, to say the least, but I continued to focus on the heart…on my heart…on somatic, heart-opening meditations, visualizations, and japa. These practices were raw and uncomfortable, but they proved to be a powerful medicine that allowed me to let go of what was, to embrace the unsettling state of “not knowing,” and to simply hold space and be present. Kurukulla wasn’t just messing with me; she was also teaching me to get clear—to be open—to have the courage to start fresh—to make room for new opportunities by letting go of what is no longer necessary. My computer may be broken, but I’m not.

I look forward to creating new mala designs, taking new photos, creating new documents and poems, and shopping for a new computer (and an external hard drive). In the meantime, I have my practice, I have this moment, and I have an open, accepting heart.

The Power of Silence, the Importance of Retreat April 11, 2018 20:22

Procrastination and Meditation: A Call to Action March 2, 2018 11:46

It's been a challenging week at school; it always is when major essays are due. Even though I remind my students to come to their tutoring sessions prepared with completed drafts well in advance of the due date, and they nod their heads in understanding, and they assure me that they will arrive to their sessions prepared; alas, they rarely do.

Instead, they wander into my office with their computers open, wondering what their thesis statements are, or they've written several pages without citing a single source, or worse, without having read any of their sources yet. When their essays are due within hours, or the next day, but their drafts are train wrecks that cannot possibly be salvaged in a twenty-minute session, it creates tension and pressure, both for me and my students. This is the unfortunate end result of procrastination.

Procrastination is an insidious, time-wasting diversion. Partly rooted in motivation, or a lack of motivation, partly linked with priorities, or mismanaged ones, procrastination is an expression of laziness and attachment. We're all guilty of it. I put off scheduling doctor's appointments; my attic is filled with miscellany that I should have cleaned out, sorted through, or donated a long time ago; I still need to call the car dealership and arrange to drop off my vehicle for a necessary recall--something about the gas tank and the risk of explosion ( I received a notice months ago).

I get it! We prefer short-term pleasure to the hard work or inconvenience of reality. We are attached to the avoidant coping response of procrastination to dealing with the negative emotions associated with the task.

This is where a meditation practice comes in handy. The practice cultivates awareness of the present moment. This awareness allows us to recognize when we are averse, freaked out, or bored out of our minds about an impending task. Ultimately, this awareness can signal the need to inhibit our habit of procrastinating. If we are aware of our emotions, we can then exert control, stay focused, and take action.

I keep a small quarter mala in my desk drawer at school. There are 27 beads on a quarter mala, so it takes less time to chant a circuit of recitations in between student sessions. I happened upon a lovely mantra recited by Pema Khandro Rinpoche, and I chanted it between student sessions, not only for my benefit, but for theirs as well: 

Sentient beings are numberless, I train in order to free them.

Delusions are inexhaustible, I train in order to transform them.

Reality is boundless, I train in order to realize it.

The awakened way is unsurpassable, I train in order to embody it.

This helped me remain focused and patient with my panicked students.

Mindfulness is a fundamental step and an important part of the solution. Action, however, is essential to avoiding the pitfalls of procrastination. 

Several of my students recognized the benefits of coming to their sessions prepared after the fact, but they remained optimistic: "I have a government paper due in a couple of weeks--I'll bring my rough draft to our next session."

Yesterday, I finally went to a lab to have a routine screening that my doctor had ordered. I didn't have to wait long, and the lab tech had a great sense of humor. I left feeling good that I did something to benefit my health, and I'll call the car dealership as soon as I finish this blog so I don't have to worry about my car exploding on my way to work on Monday.