Anxiety on the Water: Dissolving Fear with Awareness and Equanimity July 30, 2026 14:39

It’s one thing to understand a concept on an intellectual level, but direct experiences propel understanding into a far deeper realm. I experienced an epiphany on Saturday afternoon.

My husband, daughter, son-in-law, and I took our boat out to Geist Reservoir for an afternoon boating adventure.

Saturday mornings are usually busy for us. Jim and I like to do our grocery shopping early in the morning to avoid crowded aisles and long lines. Elise and I had our monthly Zoom call with a beloved family member who lives in another state, and I had time to squeeze in some of my personal practice before Elise and Christopher came over so we could ride together to Geist.

During the drive, I started to feel anxious. The busyness of the morning contributed a little to my anxiety, but I had additional concerns and worries. We acquired this four-seater fishing boat a few years ago. Jim has taken it out for a handful of fishing trips with friends, but there have been issues with the boat—and he’s had to replace the battery, and he’s also made some modifications to it in recent months. This was the first time that I had been in the boat, and it was the first time he’d taken it out since he’d made changes. In short, I was swirling in uncertainty. I kept my concerns to myself, but I was definitely anxious about this trip.

***

I have noticed a pattern in my life. The more anxious and vulnerable I feel, the more of a target I become for others. Over the years, when people have sensed my inner turmoil, they responded with equal and opposite external agitation. Some would lash out and bully me; some would make jokes at my expense, and a few would offer reassurance and comfort.

My best teaching years were when I felt confident and self-assured. On days when I felt anxious or uncertain, even when I never voiced my uncertainty, students and teachers responded to my anxiety by being dismissive, antagonistic, challenging, and stubborn. They detected my inner suffering and threw it back at me with sharp words and challenging behavior. In other words, my anxiety made my own life exponentially more difficult.

***

I was not a very secure and confident kid when I was in junior high school (who is?). The kids at the bus stop were like predatory jackals. Every morning, when I walked to the bus stop with my violin case in one hand and clutching a stack of books with the other, they caught the scent of my anxiety like fresh prey, and they mercilessly bullied and teased me all the way to school.

***

When I’m self-assured, confident, steady, or even neutral in mindset, people don’t bother me. They are friendly, warm, and things tend to go smoothly.

Compared to junior high school and some of my most challenging teaching days, Saturday afternoon was NOT a big deal, but it was a helpful reminder that made me realize something important. My mindset and attitude can have a direct impact on others.

***

There was a little tension in the truck during the drive to Geist, and I was on the receiving end of a couple of dismissive digs and snippy comments. I didn’t respond. I let them go.

Jim’s phone gave him incorrect directions to the boat dock, and we wound up driving around a neighborhood for a while before finding the right road to the public dock.

When we finally arrived, a bass tournament was just finishing up, and the traffic was a bit chaotic and hectic. There’s one public dock for people to load and unload their boats, so this added a bit of tension to the trip as well.

Jim and Christopher took care of launching the boat from the trailer into the water. Elise, who is very intuitive and perceptive, detected that something was off and asked me what was wrong while we were waiting on the dock. I didn’t want to say anything, but she kept pressing. I told her I didn’t appreciate the dismissive and snarky comments during the drive.

I didn’t say much when we were on the water. I did my best to manage my emotions and not worry about the “what if” scenarios—what if the battery died? What if the engine stopped working? What if we crashed into another boat?

Again, this was my first boat trip—Jim has gone fishing many times over the years. Christopher grew up going to a lake on weekends, and Elise went on a trip with Jim last year. I was the odd, anxious duck on this trip.

***

After a few minutes on the water, I started to settle down. The weather was perfect. The skies were slightly overcast, and the temperature was cool for late July. I managed my emotions by focusing on others. I waved to people in passing boats, and we admired the houses lining the bank. Geist is an extremely affluent area known for its huge mansions all along the waterfront.

Elise discovered we had a stowaway on board—a bumblebee was desperately clinging to her sweater in her tote bag. Elise and I kept tabs on it and tended to it during our ride. It proved to be a welcome distraction.

The more I focused on others and on our surroundings, the more my anxiety decreased, and I could enjoy our trip.

***

Everything arises due to causes and conditions. I’m thankful that these anxious moments are far less frequent for me. I’m also thankful that I have the awareness to know when I begin to spiral, and the wisdom to apply helpful methods and antidotes to self-correct. These are the benefits and positive results that come from daily meditation practice.

Equanimity is the ability to remain calm and tranquil in any situation—to be relaxed, receptive, and free of fear and clinging. I’m not always able to do that in every situation, but I’m working on it.

Like radio waves, we transmit frequencies all the time with our thoughts, emotions, and intentions, and others respond to what we send out into the world. Our inner world (mindset) interacts with and influences the outer world, even if we don’t express our thoughts and emotions verbally. Our attitudes set the tone for what happens around us. Inner agitation can create outer disturbances, while inner calm can foster peace and equanimity. This was the epiphany that I experienced on this trip.

Our boat adventure started out on rough waters for me at first, but through awareness and focusing on others, I was able to successfully pivot, find equanimity, and enjoy our Saturday adventure with family.

***

I hope you have enjoyed this month, and I hope your practice continues to bring you blessings, benefits, and opportunities to grow and improve.

I have added several new mala designs to the current online collection. Take a look at this new Middle Moon Malas designs, and don’t be shy about reaching out via the Contact Us page if you’d prefer a custom mala or quarter mala design, or if you have a mala that needs to be restrung.

Take care--

From Poison to Nectar: Distinguishing between Healthy and Harmful Pride March 28, 2023 11:52

If you prefer to listen to this month's blog article, please click HERE for the audio link.

 I love listening to Dr. Bertice Berry's daily stories. She started posting them every day on Facebook during the pandemic. Dr. Berry is a sociologist, a story teller, a motivational speaker, a seamstress, and a writer. Her latest book, BlackWorld, is amazing!

Most of her stories are uplifting--and even when they deal with struggles or suffering--there is usually a message of hope and encouragement embedded in the story.

The other day, she shared a story on her page called "It's OK to be Proud," and she encouraged her listeners to "look at something you've done, something you created with our own hands and heart--and marvel at it--be proud of what you made and how you made it."

Taking the time to think about what I've worked hard to create makes me feel a little uneasy. That word--"pride"--is a loaded word--and the concept behind it can be a slippery slope.

On one hand, it's healthy to have a sense of self-confidence, a clear understanding of your capabilities and skills. 

However, pride in its unhealthy form is an exaggerated sense of  self. It is boastful and demeaning. It takes up a lot of space and demands of others. "LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!"

I think my discomfort with this word started when I was a kid. As long as I can remember, I have talked to myself (when I'm by myself). Admittedly, I still do this--usually when I'm in the car. It's a great way for me to process creative ideas or to work through problems and struggles.

When I was young, talking to myself was part of imaginative play, and a way to keep myself company when I was alone. One time, when I was about seven years old, I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror. The door was open, and I thought I was alone, but my stepdad must have been in the hall.

I don't remember what I was saying or talking about. I do know that I was playing--making silly faces in the mirror and giggling--just being a kid and having fun.

The next morning, I went into the bathroom, and when I turned on the light, I noticed that a towel was covering the mirror. It took a second for me to register this--it was jarring to me, and it took my breath away. I remember feeling a sudden rush of shame wash over me.

I can still see that towel in my mind even now--it was an old beach towel--faded yellow, with a single sailboat floating in a pale blue ocean.

My stepdad never talked to me about it. Instead, he let the towel speak for him. It communicated a strong message: don't look at yourself--don't waste time with silly play--don't talk to yourself--you're a weirdo--you're not important--you don't matter.

He may not have intended any of these messages, but this is what his action communicated to me.

My stepdad had assumed that I was being arrogant and prideful. I can't be certain of this, but throughout my childhood, he would occasionally accuse me of being full of myself or egotistical. Often, these accusations would blindside and confuse me. 

Looking back now, I can see that he was likely projecting his own lack of self esteem and pride onto me, something a seven-year-old kid would not understand...yet.

This towel gesture didn't help me. Actually, it hindered me. It had a negative impact on my own self-esteem and confidence. 

I still talk to myself :) (and I am more careful about making sure I'm by myself when I do), but I don't look at myself in the mirror very often--maybe just quick glances--but that's it.

"What is the wild horse that throws one from the mountain one is ascending? Pride, which thinks oneself superior and dwells on one's good qualities."  (Gems of Wisdom from the Seventh Dalai Lama)

In Buddhism (and society in general), pride is considered a poison. It is an exaggerated view of the self that clings and grasps to one's perceived abilities and achievements. 

Low self esteem, surprisingly, is also an expression of pride. It, too, is an exaggeration of the self, and it comes in the form of self-deprecation--making a big deal of ourselves in a negative way.

According to Venerable Thubten Chodron, abbess of Sravasti Abbey in Washington, the antidote to pride is to remember our interconnectedness to others. We never achieve what we do, or understand what we know, without having help from others.

Ven. Chodron agrees with Dr. Berry--that having confidence and the ability to rejoice and delight in our good qualities are healthy and important.

In addition, being able to discriminate between healthy pride, which is rooted in confidence and honesty, from toxic pride, which is rooted in arrogance, smugness, and demeaning others, is also very important.

Ven. Chodron adds that pride "isn't a poison unless it devalues another person."

In The Power of Compassion, His Holiness the Dalai Lama explains that excessive pride is connected to attachment to the self. "Attachment is narrow-minded and biased. Genuine compassion is healthier; it is unbiased and based on reason."

According to HHDL, the key to developing and practicing genuine compassion is cultivating equanimity. The wisdom of equality, equanimity, and focusing on others can transform the poison of pride into a healing nectar of compassion.  

Sometimes I think about that little seven-year-old girl, that long ago version of me. If I could go back in time and talk to her (my "present self" talking to my "former self," which takes the notion of talking to myself to a whole new level), I would offer her reassurance and compassion. I would tell her that it's OK to be playful and imaginative--that it's OK to look in the mirror and smile. I would take the towel off the mirror and tell her that I love her, that she is beautiful and funny and creative, and encourage her not to let anyone dull her shine. We would look into the mirror together--and make silly faces.

 It's OK to be proud. It's OK to celebrate and rejoice about things that matter to you, about things that you have worked hard to create and share with others.

I left a comment on Dr. Berry's story from the other day. I told her that I make beautiful, hand-knotted malas, and that my intention is to inspire and support meaningful practice for others. I hope that my creations offer a little peace, compassion, and encouragement for others.

She responded with a heart and an "Oooooooooo Yaaaaaaaasssssss!"

What are you proud of? What have you created with your heart, hands, and mind in this precious human life?

Take a moment to marvel at it--to celebrate and rejoice....because, sometimes, it's OK to be proud.

Thanks for taking the time to read or listen today. The MMM collection is full! Please take a look at the beautiful malas and quarter malas available in the online shop. May they be of benefit to you and your practice. Rejoice and celebrate!

Photo Credit: Edrick Krozendijk, courtesy of Unsplash