Tonglen for One: A Simple Practice of Self Compassion May 31, 2026 09:05
It’s been raining for several days in Indiana. Lakes and ponds have risen, drainage ditches are swollen with water, spilling over onto streets and pooling in yards.
Earlier this week, as I was driving to school, rain poured down. My windshield kept fogging up, and the wiper blades could barely keep up with the pace of the pelting rain. Cars sped by me on the interstate, spraying even more water onto the car as we headed into a sea of blurry red brake lights.
I was anxious about arriving safely to school, and I was worried about the safety of others.
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One of the steps in cultivating bodhicitta, or, the altruistic mind, is through the practice of tonglen, the taking and giving meditation.
Tonglen is considered to be an advanced practice, and it typically involves taking in the suffering of others and giving others what they need to be free from suffering.
I recently discovered, however, that the tonglen practice can be modified to focus on one’s own personal suffering. In Kathleen McDonald’s book, How to Meditate on the Stages of the Path: A Guide to the Lam Rim, McDonald (who is a monastic at Sravasti Abbey, Ven. Sangye Khadro—she published this book by her birth name) describes a variation on a theme of this practice.
The idea of taking on the suffering of others can seem overwhelming and even scary to some, which is one of the reasons why tonglen is an advanced practice.
However, in order to cultivate compassion for others, one must begin with oneself.
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When I practiced this meditation on my own, I simplified McDonald’s instructions even further, and I’ve outlined the steps below:
*Find a quiet place to practice in a comfortable seated posture.
*Take a few moments to calm the mind by doing a brief body scan—relaxing any tension in the body from head to toe.
*Think about one specific problem that you are currently grappling with. Choose something relatively small to start with (ex. lost glasses or keys, dealing with a difficult neighbor or colleague, a leaky roof).
*Close your eyes and imagine at your heart center there is a small rock (I like to picture a rock slightly smaller than my fist). This rock represents your self-centered mind or attitude. It’s that needy-baby, greedy-baby mindset that we all grapple with.
*Next, imagine this current problem becomes a thick cloud of dark smoke, and as you take your next inhalation, you take in this dark smoky problem into your body.
*When this smoke comes into contact with the self-centered rock at your heart center, imagine a bolt of lighting striking it, obliterating the rock to dust and transforming the black smoke into a bright golden light.
*Take a moment to let this golden light fill your body, saturating every cell, and bringing you exactly what you need to resolve this problem.
*On your next exhalation, imagine sending this golden light out into the world, helping others who may be experiencing this same problem.
*After a few rounds of breathing in the smoke of this problem, dissolving it with golden light, and exhaling light to benefit others, open your eyes and sit calmly to contemplate your experience.
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This practice is not meant to occur while you’re in the middle of experiencing the problem, or while you’re driving.
For example, while I was driving around I-465 in the middle of a torrential downpour, I was not closing my eyes and imagining breathing in black smoke and exhaling golden light. That would have created even more serious problems 😊.
I was grateful that the storms had eventually passed, and I was able to walk around the track for a few laps in the early afternoon. Walking helped me to process and release the anxiety of the morning drive. I even stopped to take a photo of this enormous weed that was busting through the pavement like a rebellious bouquet of flowers.
In addition, at the end of the school day, when I was back home, safe and sound, I had time for supplemental self-care practices.
I made time for a Feldenkrais lesson, which was a great way to tune in and be aware of how I was feeling in my body, and practicing tonglen for my own suffering helped me to find steadiness and calm my mind.
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Tonglen for one is a practice that can offer inspiration and courage to help us navigate and manage obstacles and problems. Over time, practicing this technique with small problems can encourage us to try tonglen with bigger problems, or practicing it on behalf of others’ suffering.
We are not alone. We are part of a vast, interconnected community, and the more we cultivate compassion, kindness, and bodhicitta for ourselves and others, the happier we will be.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this month’s blog offering. I hope the month of June brings you much joy and meaningful opportunities to practice.
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